July 21st, 2009 at 2:08 a.m.
You'r only Allowed to Read this if You'll Promise You'll Still Respect me in the Morning
It's 2:43 in the a.m. and I cant sleep. I should be able to. I've been up since 7:15 this morning when mother awoken me cause she cant light the lighter for her morning smoke. I did manage to get three hours of sleep earlier but awoke at 12:30. Couldnt believe it was only 12:30. Had a crazy dream about being back in Belvidere at my cousins last house on the left house on hancock st across the street from the Belvidere Cemetary and had gotten the opportunity to jam with iron maiden for two songs. Hallowed be thy Name and Ryme of the ancient mariner. But I was late and couldnt find my all access pass. I eventually found it but my songs had been played and i wondered why in the world did they play those 2 so early in the set? Earlier in the dream i had gotten into an argument with nicko mcbrain. He didnt want me to drum it up with the maiden after i had asked him for another drum stick cause i couldnt get the sound to the beginning of hallowed be thy name right. nevermind that i actually cant play drums and in 99% of my dreams that have to do with my musical instruments capabilities im eddie van halen on guitar even tho i have no idea how to play guitar. So i get to the gig which was at belvidere cementary lol and bruce dickinson asks me if i wanna jam and if i was worried about letting the people down if i fluffed up. i said no thanxs cause i was too concerned about the fluffing and letting the people down?????
so now im up and cant get back to sleep. somethings bothering me. and of course it has to do with religion and nothing to do with the dream i had a few hours ago. or at least i dont think it does. but for the few of you who actually will read this thing maybe you will see something in comparison that i dont.
so what be troublin' ye? i guess in a nut of nuts its the Jesus as Saviour concept yet again. I cant help but think its such an easy path. to accept this and thats all you need. and i cant help but think that so many christians of the republican mindset miss a much bigger picture. sure everyone's looking for a purpose. a reason for being, but the purpose, the journey, for me is in the learning, the knowing why that certain people are in your life, and the lessons that need to be learned.
say for example God choose your parents, siblings, the order for you to be born in, to learn specific lessons. the location of your birth, the time in history in which you were to be born into all for the purpose of learning specific life lessons. i did actually hear this a few days ago in some religious sermon.
now imagine a greater concept. that of free will. if say the soul is eternal then its completely possible that we existed before our physical birth. and say that within that existance we had free will and that we had a much clearer understanding of the big picture and our purpose within it. for example neo's purpose in the matrix trilogy and to get back to source.
or imagine physical conception. that of the little spermy whos purpose is to get to that egg. but its survival of the fittest and only the michael phelps of spermies will actually survive. of course darwin was a nut job as all of us dubya lovers know. so i use my own example. and dont even think about masturbation cause from the catholic sense its genocide.
so instead of God picking our parents, siblings, location what if WE actually picked them? for our greater good? given that how can we blame anything that happened in our life on our parents? of course if as a kid you were abused and went thru hell i would consider this taking the advanced placement course of life and depending on your CHOICE of how u handled it did you end up an abuser yourself or have u decided to actually help children in similiar situations therefore defining your life purpose?
and if you went even deeper imagine that you plotted out your whole life. including race, any mental and physical challenges, say an early death just for the purpose of having your birth parents grow spirituality? of course this is all up for philosophical debate and has been written about heavily but will you find any of this stuff in religious scriptures. . .
doubtful and the joyce meyers of the world are few and far between (or maybe there is but it certainly isnt worded the same :) check out rick warrens a purpose driven life for the equivalant religious version of such philosophy
instead of researching and having an open mind most people stay with man made concepts that stunts our growth worse than cigarette smoking. the im too worried and feel guilted and get offended way too easily instead of actually seeing real beauty. the movie american beauty being the best example i can think of at the moment. but since its an r rated movie most religious people will never see it because it would be considered sick and disturbing. which reminds me the only time we grow as people is when we go out of our comfort zone. sure there are amazing parallels with religion and spirituality and a way to be in the world but it seems so many people miss the little marks along the way that their whole life purpose gets missed which leads me to another concept. . .
reincarnation
so think for a minute if we have free will and eternal souls then wouldnt it be slightly possible to try again in this school of life? since apparently we learn faster on this plane of reality. think for a minute how technology has changed in just the last 20 years. things like a computer on your cell phone that you couldnt even begin to fathom in the 80s. i do honestly think we were better before the cell phone but i do be loving my free membership to FB. now imagine God in his infinite wisdom and the level of technology beholden of God. God took billions of years and i do mean billions to make our little world just for us cause he or she loves us and wants the best and was maybe a bit heartbroken that we couldnt accept Gods pure reality of happiness like the first matrix being a piece of mathmatical precision that no one could accept because they were too content and kept waking up lol. and maybe just maybe God created all of us cause God was just a bit lonely which is an interesting quandry with our whole purpose of trying to get back to the God source which created us. or perhaps we saw this life as a roller coaster ride where as jim morrison would say 'no one here gets out alive' and wanted to take a brief detour just for the experience of it and it was an option of limitless options. lol gotta be lovin eternal life consciousness :)
or imagine perhaps that if we all came from the same source of one collective conscious, then we're all one working on a similiar frequency and that there is a whole underlining syncronicity and serendipity to everything. for example if your thinking of shrimp and someone says 'shrimp' or 'plate of shrimp' out of the blue for no reason. kudos to anyone who knows where that referance comes from. this of course raises all sorts of questions if there is no such thing as a coincidence what does that say about free will? :)
so if the world as a whole is out of balance and not intune with nature and we dont do our part to take care of the earth and our fellow human beings then things like katrina? hitler? pre-emptive war? global warming? happen. well if your in the dubya camp with global warming then the answer is of course its a conspiracy of al gore's to schmooze up to his hollywood buddies cause he really wants that little gold statue to worship cause its his idol. and we all know what they say about worshipping false idols. those hollywood people are just going to get up on the podium and say 'suck it Jesus, this is my God now' so a few years down the road they can host the schemmies for a ratings coup.
so whats my point in all of this besides flushing out the crap and trying to get some rest? instead of trying to get people to convert to your belief (i dont claim to be correct on any of this but for all the things i've read on after life possibilities and why we're here these make the most sense) lets try to actually see the person for who they are and what they have to offer. why they might be in your life, what are the lessons we can learn from them? yes there are a lot of shitty people in the world. and i seem to attract a lot of them for whatever reason. or the ones who are blissfully ignorant.
but its only been in the last year that i've been able to realize thru FB and life adventures that its a big world out there with a lot of truly great and amazing people in it. and even tho i only know a lot of you only through FB ill be eternally greatful for your acceptance and to be able to connect much sooner than waiting to be on another plain of existance where i will not need a car or a passport or money to make these connections possible.
and that its not just all about my bro agent smith who has some seriously fucked up issues, or my sister whos on the dubya bandwagon, or my dad who went too soon, or my mom, in the twilight of her years, reflecting on the regrets of her life. its about all of us finding our true selves while still in our physical bodies. because i for one do not want to reincarnate into another one because my growth was stunted by dogma.
- Gegi Strang and Gilles Chamboraire like this.
You'r only Allowed to Read this if You Promise You'll Still Respect me in the Morning
Part II
October 19th, 2009 at 8:41 a.m.
this is a recap of my mormon church experience and what i felt from it yesterday. i've been away from the church for a couple of months. i tend to o.d. if i have too much church but if i'm away for awhile its a good refresher and then i can get back into it a lot more easier.
heres the rundown:
the mormon church experience is 3 hours broken down into 3 one hour parts. tho i go an hour earlier to do choir. very theraputic. we open with a prayer, we sing da da da lol, we close with a prayer, and we usually sing a prelude of 3 songs 10 minutes before sacrament but yesterday we did not cause our usual conductor was m.i.a.
hour 1 sacrament meeting 10 a.m. (also known as the cries of a billion babies)
we open with announcements. the bishop talked about bro fairbanks funeral turnout from saturday. whom im really going to miss. a very good tenor and practical joker. such a shock. he was only 57 but pancreantitis consumed him really quickly. some of the youth got an award for scouting. the mormons are very big on the scouts of america.
we sing a song (this is usually the point where i've overdosed on singing)
whomever is in the rotation does the invocation (opening prayer)
then its ward business (some people got released from their calling, we raise our hands in approval of their outstanding service (its always unanimous but they ask if anyone objects to raise theirs)
we sing another hymn while the designated priesthood youth prepares the bread for sacrament
we do the sacrament of bread and water. the youth (tho sometimes an adult or newer member will be asked to pass but only if they are wearing a white shirt). the designated youth will say the bread sacrament prayer and then if we choose to partake of the bread we will have a piece as its passed (yesterday it was unusually fresh). then its onto water. the designated youth says the water prayer and we partake again. so when everyone is back to sinless perfection its off to the meat and potatoes of the meeting.
the speakers:
the youth speaker
the only thing i remember from this particular talk was a story about the speakers sister and that it being homecoming needed a dress but since she's mormon she cant have the standard fair. cant be too short cover your arms kinda a thing. so shes talking about her sister having to explain this to her friends and how proud she was of her.
u hear a lot of stories like this about the youth having to explain these things to their friends such as not being able to do a school project on sunday even tho thats when everyone can get together to do it.
i find these things to be ridiculous of course and feel really bad that the youth are put into those situations but it works for them and (apparently) makes them happy and in the end if their happiness is authentic thats what matters.
the adult speaker
was a middle aged woman who has a slight accent so she can be a little hard to understand. also she wasnt a very experienced talker. which happens a lot due to the fact that in the mormon church everyone participates and eventually if your in it long enough gives a talk on a subject choosen for them by the higher powers that be that they think would be best suited for that person.
when i did my talk it was following the wisdom of the living prophet lol. i basically took that to mean exterminate your own intuition of what u feel to be true.
also on top of not being a great speech giver she also cried. theres always a box of kleenex available at the podium
this basically meant that i dont remember a lot about her talk except that she was greatful for her husband and kids. which of course for me being single and not having kids and being a convert on top of that makes me a sort of anomaly of evilness (which i will go into great detail in a bit).
its always one of those moments where i try not to roll my eyes cause i hear it in almost every testimony given by the mollies. i call them martha stewart testimonies cause the wife is almost always a homemaker. this maybe more of a fault of my own personality but when u hear the same ol same ol over and over again u wish the martha stewarts of the church (also known as molly mormons) would be a bit more original and enlightning.
after the adult speaker we sing another song...and then onto the
the high counsel speaker (this a person that is not part of the ward but is part of the stake which is made up of several wards and is a bit more higher up in the absolute power food chain)
i honestly cant remember what he talked about???? he was very professional in his delivery but i completely blocked out his message
we sing another hymn
then whomever is in the rotation does the benediction (closing prayer)
we dismiss to our seperate groups for second hour
2nd hour
open with a prayer (prayers other than invocation and benediction are given by someone who volunteers to do it tho sometimes u r asked if u would like to give the prayer. i always say yes when asked)
this is where the congregation splits into their seperate groups based on age and how long they have been in the church. if your a convert not born into the church you go off to gospel principles and they teach u the basic beliefs of the church. if your like me and have been in it awhile (more than a year) you go to sunday school with the adults who have been in the church their entire lives. and the brazilian amazon woman gives a lesson usually based on the book of mormon. seriously the teacher used to live in brazil and was a professional basketball player. she's huge with a very heavy accent. anywayz yesterday she taught a lesson that reminded me of why i love this particular church and it was about how the church helps people on a global level with their humanitarian aid program and how tithing helps with that. of course leave it to me to think the church has some other agenda like converting victims of the recent tsunami in order to get their food ration. i could be wrong but thats just me.
we do another prayer
the 3rd hour (a.k.a. the a.a. meeting)
we split again. the men have their priesthood meeting and the women have their relief society meeting. i think we actually do the same lesson lol
so all the men are gathered and we pray again
sing a hymn (sometimes in accapella due to the fact that we always seem to lack a piano player)
the 3 levels of priesthood (youth, aronic, melchizdek) give announcements usually for upcoming events and how past events of the week went
we split again into our level of priesthood
im in the aronic (i call it ironic) priesthood. im pretty sure i'll be stuck there till the end of my dayz due to the married with a pile of kids status and that i've never paid tything.
this is the meet i call the a.a. meet cause there are usually on average about 10 of us sitting on the stage (our designated meeting place. which has a bit of a draft during the winter months)
and we proceeded to the most disturbing lesson for me that the church does and that is the 3 levels of heaven. ill start with the highest and work my way down. this is verbatim from the gospel principles book and i challenge anyone reading this to really use your own intuition and how your feeling while reading these different levels.
Celestial:
"They are they who received the testimony of Jesus, and believed on his name and were babtized, . . . that by keeping the commandments they might be washed and cleansed from all their sins, and receive the Holy Spirit." These are they who overcome the world by their faith. They are just and true so that the Holy Ghost can seal their blessings upon them. Those who inherit the highest degree of the celestial kingdom, who become gods, must also have been married for eternity in the temple. All who inherit the celestial kingdom will live with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ forever.
Terrestrial:
These are they who rejected the gospel on earth but afterward received it in the spirit world. These are the honorable people on the earth who were blinded by the gospel of Jesus Christ by the craftiness of men. These are also they who received the gospel and a testimony of Jesus but then were not valiant. They will be visited by Jesus Christ but not by our Heavenly Father. They will not be part of eternal families: they will live separately and singly forever.
Telestial
These people did not receive the gospel or the testimony ofJesus either on earth or in the spirit world. They will suffer for their own sins in hell until after the Millennium, when they will be resurrected. "These are they who are liars, and sorcerers, and adulterers, and whoremongers, and whosoever loves and makes a lie." These people are as numerous as the stars in heaven and the sand on the seashore. They will be visited by the Holy Ghost but not by the Father or the Son.
theres also a fourth level but its not the heavenly equivalant of the telestial
Outer Darkness
These are they who had testimonies of Jesus through the Holy Ghost and knew the power of the Lord but allowed Satan to overcome them. They denied the truth and defied the power of the Lord. There is no forgiveness for them, for they denied the Holy Spirit after having received it. They will not have a kingdom of glory. They will live in eternal darkness, torment, and misery with Satan and his angels forever.
so for those of u who know anything about me u may know why i find this so disturbing and so it was on the 3rd hour we did lesson 42 from the book 'teachings of presidents of the church - joseph smith'
we've been on joseph smith for almost 2 years. TWO FREAKIN' YEARS!!!! anywayz every year we get a new book with a different president of the church. but alas smith being the founder gets TWO FREAKIN' YEARS!!!!!
the lesson is entitled
Family: The Sweetest Union for Time and Eternity
as great as it sounds of course u cannot obtain this unless u get married in the temple and have a pile of kids brought up in mormon beliefs. or ur doomed to 1 of the lower kingdoms. as all u smarty people may know already. im not married, i dont c myself every having kids (i have a serious moral dilemma about where the world is going to be in a 100 years and the picture isnt exactly flattering), i can c myself married but to a mormon girl? lmao. no way that would ever work and getting married in the temple. NO FUCKING WAY. that ceremony is FUCKING WACKED. u know when i think of the perfect wedding ceremony i think of mirandas wedding in sex and the city. that works for me. and even tho i cant c myself every having kids im very big on adoption and i would be very open to it if the opportunity ever presented itself.
heres some of the things that bothered me during the a.a. meeting
my closest friend in the church gave the lesson. he joined the church about a month before me. at that time he wasnt marrried, no kids. he's 20 years older than me but for whatever reason we really hit it off as friends. well 3 years later he's married and expecting his first child and then he got his melchizdek priesthood promotion while im still sluggin around the ironic priesthood. his wife is really cool as well and they've really made my weekends easy. i would have liked to hear that lesson from him during his single days before he got his ticket into the celestial kingdom.
this discussion eventually lead to the enivitable with 1 of the brethren saying marriage is between a man and a women. from the mormon perspective this would rationalize spending 20 million dollars to get prop 8 passed in california. they're saving gays souls from themselves. from my perspective i wonder why i even care about this issue???? oh yeah it has nothing to do with the concept of love but creates an atmosphere of hate. let God deal with the gays. the world doesnt need any more conflict than what it already has. give the gays their happiness.
the other thing that really disturbs me is this concept about becoming a god of your own planet. i mean the ego of joseph smith with this 1 just floors me. even 1 of the brethren yesterday said when he first heard that he thought it was crazy. and as he's saying this im screaming in my head that he should have listened to his intuition but instead he said something that justified this reasoning and he told a story about how when he got to a certain age he saw that his life was not progressing. so WTF does he do? he gets married to the most cliche mormon girl (aka a major hottie who will not accept my friend request) and has a baby and now his life is complete. it reminds me of the movie 'i robot' and that scene where all the robots are saying '1 of us, 1 of us'. i remember when he had his son u could c a level of acceptance from the brethren that otherwise would not have been there.
i actually went thru the life progression dilemma in my early 20's and came to the same marriage conclusion but for me it was not meant to be and i went into the army, got over the i need to be married thing, got out, became a fish of the philosophical and became much more enliightened and comfortable with who i am as a person and not so obsessed with the 'i need to be married with kids to feel complete dilemma' and this was a good 3 years before i joined the church.
also as far the god of your own planet i mean all sorts of philosophical questions arrive from that like say free will? what kind of ruler r u as a god? doesnt absolute power corrupt absolutely? i couldnt help but think of dubya bush during the god of your own planet discussion.
another thing with this that was not discussed but as our duty as men cause that is what we are is to take up the covenant of plural marriage after death so as gods or whatever we can populate this planet that we are to rule. i wonder how many wives in the church know this????? of course in the church approved joseph smith book they have a very nice sacarine picture of a husband and wife and their 2 kids at a table going over the scriptures. when polygamy was banned in 1890 the reasoning was it came from God not it was the law of the land and that in time God would send the message to reinstate polygamy. when i first heard of this i asked my home teaching companion about it and he said "if thats what the prophet sais to do i would have to do that." ughhhhh
so we say a closing prayer and church service is officially over
and then of course my ride is my dear friend who gave the lesson and i sort of discuss with him why the whole married in the temple having a pile of kids to get into the celestial kingdom bothers me. that i have a moral dilemma with having kids but it wasnt much of a conversation. it reminded me the quote 'youre only allowed to be as smart as the person your talking to.'
he talked a little bit about raising his kid in the gospel and not in the world beliefs and asked about my dating status and that he knew i was lonely. well i dont really consider myself lonely. alone a lot of the time but lonely is a word that is something that would much better describe me when i was in my early 20's
but in the end i cant help but feel that i've progressed on a spiritual level that so many mormons will never attain.
- John P. Morgan, Dan Anondechile Herrera and 2 others like this.
You'r only Allowed to Read this if You PromiseYou'll Still Respect me in the Morning
Part III
March 29, 2010 at 7:42 a.m.
or putting your dragon in a hot tub will produce a lot of mist
Friday
5:00 p.m.
the library is closing so its time for my second plaz donation of the week. they finally upped their payout and have added a special 5 dollar bonus in honor of uncle patty. if i make the 150 weight this will amount to 35 dollars. a small fortune considering that for awhile my second payout of the week has amounted to $15. gluttony has its benefits. im wearing my cargo paints with 2 plastic soda bottles filled with water. these pantalones have been most helpful with the weigh in. and u would never know that i've been 'cheating'
i weigh in at 151 and im off to watch another episode of NCIS
7:00 p.m.
im at dominicos. the dinner buffet on fridays rocks. fish, shrimp, pizza, cheese tortallini, cream of sum yung guy soup, and tear-ah-me-sou (or however u spell it). i have ice water to save $1.50. i ask for the complimentary bread to make fish sandwhiches but the bread never comes. by the time it does im too full for more fish and pocket the bread for breakfast. i ask for a complimentary dish of spamoni and forget to pick up complimentary crackers and breadsticks for breakfast
total cost $10.50
$24.50 left
8:00 p.m.
i get back to the house. watch some bullshit on t.v. and wonder why its taking my sober bro so long to go back to his room. he sais he's waiting for the cat (teddy rosevelt) to get done hydrating at the sink. im thinking bro is scavenging and toking up on whiskey.
11 p.m.
i pass out sober as hell
Saturday
2 a.m.
bro comes out of room drunk as hell and wakes up mommas significant other and myself in the process saying mother is pissed cause significant other passed out in chair yet again.
2:20 a.m.
S.O. goes to bed and bro rants and raves to himself about whatever and then sits right by my head and wants 'to talk' i get up saying 'thats some evil shit' to be doing at the demon hour and go outside for a breather waiting for bro to go back to his room and pass out
3:20 a.m.
back on the couch waiting for my adrenalin to come down i fall asleep around 4:30
8 a.m.
mother wakes me up to turn the lights on and make her tea. i have complimentary bread and left over pizza for breakfast
8:45 a.m.
off to the library to get on internet and check messages. chat with some fb peeps. nephew i emms me. tell him bro was being a bitch last night and that im off to train my dragon in the hot tub
10:30 a.m.
off to the catch the bus for 'how to train your dragon 3D' and 'hot tub time machine' i give in to not ordering a mcdonalds breakfast and get myself a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit
total cost approx $2.75
$21.25 left
11:00 a.m.
bus leaves the station. it wasnt until last week that for the first time since i've lived here that i've ridden the local bus. i was going to walk the 1 hour it takes to get to the movie theater but due to the spring blizzard of march 20th opted to ride bus and then walk back. maybe this week will produce the same drama of a guy needing an ambulance but i guess that only happens on your virgin voyage
total cost $1.25
$20.00 left
11:15 a.m.
dropped off at walmart and i cruise the entertainment section pricing things that I WILL evenutally own. im perplexed why they have no original x box titles and then walk across the street to the movie theater.
12 p.m.
how to train your dragon in 3D is about to start. they only do 2 previews. the second one is the new shrek shown in 3D looks pretty cool.
i sit five rows from the front and 10 minutes in i realize i have not sat close enough. 3 rows from the front would have been perfect. i realize when watching a 3D movie its important that you do not see below the screen but it was too late to move cause third row was occupied. now maybe it was because 'alice' was done by disney and they r a bit more advanced in the 3D technology or tim burton is a master filmmaker and dream works who made 'dragon' is a bit behind the curve but i did not feel the emmersion that i felt with 'alice' good sense of depth but very few moments of feeling like i was on a roller coaster ride.
at 40 minutes in i realized i was watching a sub-par movie storyline wise. i cant remember the last time i went to a theater to watch a pg movie? way too many crying babies and saturday did not dissapoint with that. what i did not like about the movie was that it was what i would call 'cute' way too effin 'cute' it reminded me of when i went to go see 'from hell' and the girl i was with said 'that was cute' ???? epic test fail. she said that with every movie. yuck. on the flop flip side if your a mormon family looking for a movie to take your children to u cant go wrong with this one.
now the day before i watched a movie called 'september dawn' about the mountain meadows massacre of 1850 and whatever and a subplot in the movie is this mormon guy is a horse whisperer and of course the girl he saw for the first time the day before is all attracted and after 2 days he's asking to marry her????
in 'how to train your dragon' the main character is a dragon whisperer and of course their is a love interest cause their like 10 years old and well it was lame and i really wanted my money back after the 90 minute feature. also it costs 3 dollars more to see a 3D movie.
total cost of 3D matinee movie on a saturday
$10.00
$10.00 left
1:40 p.m.
hot tub time machine does not start till 2:30 so i go across the street to culvers and use my free complimentary tickets for ice cream. i get a dish of chocolate heath crunch and a dish of rocky road. and a small mountain dew
total cost approx $1.50
$8.50 left
2:30 p.m.
hot tub time machine previews begin with stellar sound. i dont know what it is with surround sound in a movie theater but they always seem to be a bit lackluster as far as the rear sound is concerned. i could barely hear it but the sound none the less was cranked. i remember when i saw spider man 3 and being able to hear the surround really well but the sound was too low. so frustrating.
hot tub time machine was a pretty good movie but it falls short of being a classic. very heavy r. lots of cursing and nudity. i could have done without seeing rob cordery's ass every other scene but this was forgiveable due to the fact that he gave wild hogs a shout out. man did that movie suck. anywayz cordery nailed that part. he plays an alchie who almost kills himself at the beginning of the movie rockin out to 'home sweet home'
crispin glover (george mcfly) is in this. the soundtrack rocks. even poison (pretty sure its a tribute band) rocks in this. this is after all 1986 and the look what the cat dragged in era. the movie also works if you were not born in '86 in much the same way back to the future works if you were not alive in the fifites. it was good to be able to laugh and feel comfortable watching this without worrying about being embarrased by the cursing and the sex and all the stuff that made the eighties so decadent. it was a far cry from stressing out the previous sunday of how many times the word god damn, shit, and asshole were going to be said in the pg rated 'china syndrome'
the 1 thing that keeps this movie from being a classic was when they get back to the present time. it made no sense??? and as much as the closing credit sequence rocked it made even less sense. but at least i didnt feel like i waisted my money on this one
total cost $7.00
$1.50 left over
4:30 p.m.
i walk across the street to burger king and get a whoper jr. and then go over to game stop and am perplexed yet again as to why they have no original x box titles???? finding the original halo is becoming a lot more difficult that i thought it would be
total cost $1.06
a pitiful amount of change is left over
5:00 p.m.
i make the long trek back to the house. i choose the scenic route which takes about a half hour longer. and check out the cigarette packs along the way. on the third to final stretch i come across a smashed pack of marlboro lights with 5 squished but uncomprimised smokes :)
6:30 p.m.
back at the house. 5 minutes later bro goes to sisters. still a bit pissed that 'dragon' sucked im wishing i had gotten some beers instead. i've been on the damn wagon for 3 weeks. showtime is showing a free preview but im so tired i fall asleep around 8:00
12:40 a.m.
i had woken up about 10 minutes prior to bro drunk and significant other ticked off cause he came up missing 20 dollars. he's blaming my bro and myself. i KNOW im innocent. i've been on the wagon going on 4 weeks but this does not matter. im feeling greatful for the decision not to drink. he damnes the both of us which makes sense becaue i had overheard a convesation about the lost and the damned earlier at gamestop and then spends the rest of the night in the garage. im fortunate that im able to get decent rest
7:30 a.m.
mother wakes me up to turn on the lights and make her tea. im crabby. really thought id have an extra half hour there
8:00 a.m.
i call my church to ride to remind him to pick me up. the mrs. calls 30 seconds after i leave the message to make sure im going. then off to the showers
8:50 a.m.
my ride is here and im off to choir practice. we're doing our easter song in sacrament today cause the general conference broadcast from salt lake city is next sunday. we're 10 minutes late for choir but we're still the first to arrive. our little group rehearsed till 9:45
church for me is a 50/50 of hit or miss. this 1 was a major miss
10:00 a.m.
sacrament meeting and no sign of the 1 person i really want to say hi to and 1 of my main reasons for even going. the only highlight of sacrament was hearing the teen who just got his missionary assignment and hearing his testimony. he was so nervous i wondered how in the world is he going to survive two years in peru???? i figured if i survived four years in the army then anythings possible. we sang our song. went really well. i wondered where in the hell did all these people come from that sang with us??? i had no idea they were in the choir??? and i've been int this thing for almost 3 years.
11 a.m.
i opted to go to gospel principles instead of sunday school. primariily to say hi to another girl who when she saw me sat next to me during the meet. the only other 'single' in the ward. of course she has a boyfriend who is always never there and of course there is zero chemistry between the 2 of us. im always the 1 initiating conversation. i wouldnt doubt if she thinks im a bit full of myself.
the lesson was signs of the second coming. nothing significant sticks out except for 'single' girls facial expression when i told her i may be moving far far away depending on whether i inherit a peanut or a peanut farm. she seemed a bit surprised.
12 p.m. - 1 p.m.
priesthood meeting which i pretty much blocked from my memory except for the baby with the biggest blue eyes you ever seen kept staring at me and that they r doing an ice cream social next saturday before the general conference priesthood meeting of which im undecided if im going or not due to it being my b-day on easter sunday. copious amounts of alcohol id like to have but i could be sacrificing a spectacular easter dinner.
1:15 - 2 p.m.
its the last sunday of the month and my home teacher who is now the bishop really needs to get that monthly meeting checked off. my ride gratiously waits.
now despite dealing with bro and his wisdom during his demon hour vietnam flashbacks of whatever nam his mind is in this block of time made me feel so low and unworthy i couldnt believe it.
bishop/home teacher wanted to do the meet after church which is fine but i didnt think it thru clearly and we had the meeting in the bishops office which immediately put me in an inferior headspace. i would have prefered to be here and outside on lawn chairs admiring nature but another reason i go to church had not played itself out yet.
i told him about my possible move. but not sure if i was inheriting a peanut or a peanut farm. he asked me if my gramps was a peanut farmer. these mormons have no sense of humor. i should have said im either inheriting the earth or a globe of the earth. i told him california had caught my eye and ive been wanting to move there for some time. he said where abouts. i said west covina. i have an aunt there (tho im thinking more l.a. but i wasnt comfortable bringing up satans home away from his playground that is las vegas which i would definately like to make a stop if i get the opportunity to go to la la land)
he then asked if i had ever had a bishop/member talk or something like that. in the 4 years i'd been there i couldnt recall. the previous bishop i never really sat down 1 on 1 with. i sent that particular bishop 3 fb request until i finally got 'accepted' and then he eventually deleted me.
so my home teacher/bishop basically went over the temple recommend interview questions without it being an official temple recommend interview. immediately my feelings of feeling inferior were justified cause i am in no way temple recommend worthy.
he asked me how my testimony was?
i said something like it was kinda o.k. sounding not confident at all about it. he asked me if i had testimony of jesus. i then realized if im going to be honest here im going to have to bring up all the shit that is bothering me, listen to the kool-aid, cry, beg for forgiveness, repent, the whole 69 yards. it was either accept the kool-aid, or put in my resignation to be true to myself.
i opted for the george constanza route of its not a lie if u believe it. it worked for my church speech. i'll think about these questions philosophically even tho they're not in alignment with the church. trust that God knows the sincerity of my own heart and hope for the best on judgement day.
bishop asks how do u define a testimony?
i said something like its what u feel in your heart to be true and how that aligns with. . . umm. . .THE PLAN OF SALVATION. he sais yep thats what a testimony is. and then goes thru the plan and the word of wisdom, the whole foundation metaphor of faith, and if im obeying.
i ask him about coffee ice cream. he sais if its flavored coffee but not actually made from real coffee then thats fine but when in doubt and yadda yadda yadda
r u abstaining from tobacco. . .YES OF COURSE i enthusiastically say with a huge smile and the feeling of accomplishment that God did not just strike me down :) i ask about how second hand smoke. apparently this is just as bad :(
then to be expected he asks about chastidy. do u know what that is? i say of all the commandments that is by far the easiest one. dont even have to think about it cause i havent had the temptation since almost last century
how bout pornography? i ask him how does he define pornography cause i could watch c-span and feel like i just watched a porno. or seen the latest danika patrick commercial. i didnt ask about danika but thinking back i wished that i had cause he lives in the same neighborhood she did when she grew up and she's the local hero. i was hoping to get into a discussion about what is offensive to you is not offensive to me but all i got was a verification on my thought and that his mother in law sticks to basic cable.
tithing? i say its difficult to give 10 percent of nothing. if he thinks im going to give $5.50 a week he's out of his feaky mind. thats a lunch im not willing to sacrifice. i'll let God judge the sincerity of my soul on that one
what do u want out of life? i ponder the question. deep in thought. my intuition kicks in and i say success.
how do u define success? not having to worry and stress about money.
we then have a lenghty discussion about education and marriage. that somehow when i have that B.S. degree the girls will come a runnin. i told him about my g.i. bill but having to stress about going off somewhere and worrying about basic survival. he suggested on line courses and to look into my g.i. bill. and to report back in 2 weeks.
he kept harpin on the marriage temple thing a lot which made me feel nauseaus combined with the previous inferior complex and a major case of the mutes and not challenging anything. it was like being a 5 year old and relizing there is no santa clause but not having the courage to tell your parents cause they needed u to believe it so they can still experience the magic and wonderment of having innocent children.
during the meeting i wondered if being bishop had somehow affected his psyche and had givin him sort of power complex? everytime i looked straight at him i kept getting tunnel vision and flashbacks of jim jones
it reminded me so much of this scene and i what i would have liked to say
and then it was over. he said a prayer for my 'success'
my church ride had a brief conversation with the bishop and bishop told him how much of a 'success' story he was and how much he had changed from four years ago when he first came there. could my self-esteem by more pummeled today???? he has adapted to that world incredibly well. my 53 year old friend is going to be fried when his baby comes in a couple of weeks. i hope the 50 year old mrs. doesnt have any problems.
anywayz by the time i was out of there i was very disappointed in myself for not doing something similiar to whats in the following scene
notice how lester is framed a lot closer up in that scene than in the previous one. like he has the upper hand over brad and is no longer enslaved. apparently i still feel like i have some things to lose if i remove myself from that environment that im not willing to sacrifice quite yet.
or maybe i feel thats its important to let people still believe in santa clause and to hope and pray that they will find the truth for themselves instead of shoving your own beliefs down their throats.
total cost of knowing God KNOWS the sincerity of your own heart
priceless
2:30 p.m.
artie has left the building and now im wondering how the rest of the day will play itself out. i end up back at the house instead of staying the day elsewhere. major miss of the day. (if this portion of the day is a hit i dont get back till around 11. altho the last 2 times i was stuck reading the ensign for 4 hours due to the fact that the boob tube was off and the mother in law was up from utah). so bro goes to nephews a half hour later. and i end up thinking i could really use a beer right now and how much 'dragon' sucked
5:00 p.m.
showtimes free preview offers up 'mist'
a movie that i've been wanting to see directed by 'frank darabount' (shawshank redemption, green mile) based on the stephen king novella. so i had high hopes. unfortunately this movie sucked the big one. the dialogue was the worst dialogue i've ever heard in a movie since 'BW2 book of shadows' i couldnt believe darabount wrote the screenplay for it. i've never read the novella but no way its that bad. marcia gay harden played one of the most annoying characters ever. my favorite character in the movie gets killed halfway through the movie. when they figure out whats going on the blame the military private. a freakin private???? the religious fanatics throw him out of the supermarket and into the mist and the saner group idly stands by and lets it happen????? if i had seen this in the theater i may have walked out. metaphorically it reminded me of the right-wing jesus lovin republicans versus the saner democrats. the ending however was a definate shocker but it didnt make any sense. the whole we give up and then 10 seconds later everythings fine. the movie totally sucked.
7:00 p.m.
saw V was on afterwords but i only made it half way thru. i liked how they went back to the first movie and worked itself back to the present time but then drunk bro came back. accused me of stealing the garage keys??? why in the world would s.o. give bro the garage keys anywayz???? i left for the sanctuary of the backyard and cold weather sleeping bag. thank God spring is here.
MONDAY
6 a.m.
back inside. nice and chilly last night. almost perfect. slept really well.
tell me why i LOVE mondays????
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